Merda d'artista: Channeling Piero Manzoni

Dear First Grade Student(s):

      I get it. It's the end of the day. It's unseasonably hot. The art room feels (and smells) like the inside of a 6th grader's sweaty sneaker. You're tired. I'm tired. Heck, I can tell by that look of consternation on your face that there's really somewhere else you'd rather be. You want to go home. I want to go home. But hey, we're all in this together, so let's make the best of this situation, shall we? Oh, and one more thing, please stop leaving your poop in the art room. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Your Art Teacher

A little over a year ago I wrote a letter to a Kindergarten student about the Spiderman undies he left in my art room. Surprisingly, several of you were all, "Hey, at least it wasn't something else," which honestly never occurred to me as a possibility. Well guess what? This year must be the year of the something else because not once, but twice, poo was discovered on my art room floor. Twice in the span of a month. The first time I was all, "Hey. That could be poop or it could be clay, who knows, but I don't want to risk it," and I made a call to have it cleaned up. Today there was no doubt in my mind what it was. Generally, I'm not one to point fingers, but given that both incidents of Code Brown occurred while I had the same first grade class in art, I think it's safe to say that I've got the number of possible culprits narrowed down to about 25. I could narrow the list of suspects even further to the five students sitting at the table under which the deposit was made, but seeing as how each incident occurred beneath different tables, I suppose I would then have to broaden my list to ten. Then again, I could just point my finger at the kid who had his hand deep down in his pants, possibly partaking in some post-lunch excavation...

Regardless of the source, I am truly grossed out. The thought that a student used the same hand that he (or she) uses when writing, cutting, gluing, pushing in his (or her) chair to do, well, that, had me wearing big ole' orange rubber gloves and disinfecting my classroom at the end of the day. I'm considering making up a badge to proudly proclaim my survival of the trifecta of bodily waste. The 3Ps, if you will, pee, puke and poop.

Have you made it into the 3P Club yet?

Other possible titles for this post:
Hey! Kid! You dropped your feces.
Code Brown Makes Me Frown

(I feel it's necessary to inform you that I Googled "feces synonyms" for this post. It had to be done. I think "night soil" is my favorite. Also, I Googled "poop artist".)

(And for those responsible teacher-types out there, I did have a conversation with the class about using the facilities, and I spoke with the classroom teacher about it afterwards. Apparently Mr. Hanky has made an appearance or two on the floor of their classroom's bathroom. Which makes me wonder what about my art room resembles a bathroom? Maybe it's all the sinks.)

So what you're saying, is that I'm less important than a sink?

A quick back story for you... Over the summer I lost my classroom because our school population grew. The principal very well could have tossed me a cart and said, "Have at it," but instead she had a classroom built for me in the "pod". If you don't know what a pod is, take a look at this illustration of a "typical pod". The pods in our school are quite similar, minus the outdoor classroom, and with sinks and counters in the center and tables for students to work at. My octagonal art room was constructed by closing in the common area and building walls between and above the counters. As a result, communal sinks and storage have now become art room sinks and storage. Inconvenient? Yes. The worst thing that could have happened? No. It appears to me that the eight classrooms surrounding me, including the second, sink-less art room, have adjusted. And then this happened a couple of weeks ago...

A Teacher's Aide (TA) wandered into my classroom to fill her water bottle up at one of the sinks.

TA: You're not here every day, are you?
ATHG: No, I'm only here Tuesday-Thursday.
TA:  That really is inconvenient. We don't have access to the sinks or paper towels when you're not here. Don't you think you could leave the door unlocked.
ATHG: Well, no, I do have a lot of stuff in here...
TA (looking around): Oh yeah, I guess you do...
ATHG: You could ask for a roll of paper towels for your room...
TA: I really think this was the dumbest idea when they built this room here. They could have asked us first. What do they expect us to do?
ATHG: I can see how it's inconvenient, but I'm glad they built me a classroom. It's better than the alternative. I could have been on a cart.
TA: Hmph

(End Scene)

I almost felt bad for this woman. I mean, to think that she has to walk a couple classrooms down to the water fountain or bathrooms when I'm not here. *Gasp* The poor thing. Honestly, I don't even use the sinks in my room to fill up my water bottle. You wouldn't either if you smelled the water that came from those faucets. I really liked though how she made no effort to hide the fact that my needs as a teacher were far less important than her need for water and dry hands. Two weeks later and I'm still chuckling over it.